The corner of Faith and Doubt

Ever trekking along and then hit a cross roads, you look up and you are on the corner of Faith and Doubt. You think to yourself "How on earth did I get here?"  You have to choose, there is no middle option but you feel overwhelmed and unsure of which direction to go.  Your mind tells you go right, FAITH is always the answer.  So you look right but it is an unpaved gravel road with major potholes, one lane with a very narrow shoulder.  Then you look left and it is a paved, multi lane road with a wide shoulder and paved walking paths on the sides.  The paved road certainly looks more appealing. However, it is long and curvy and eventually connects back to Faith never getting you to your destination.  Faith on the other hand, while it looks like a harder road to travel is straight, shorter distance and leads you directly to your destination.   

I was reminded of the story of Peter...you know the one where he stepped out of the boat to walk on the water?  It is found in Matthew 14, recorded right after the disciples just witnessed Jesus feed the 5,000 with 5 loaves and 2 fish.  I mean wow, to see that had to boost your faith right?!  Wrong....

      22 Immediately after this, Jesus insisted that his disciples get back into the boat and cross to the other side of the lake, while he sent the people home. 23 After sending them home, he went up into the hills by himself to pray. Night fell while he was there alone.

24 Meanwhile, the disciples were in trouble far away from land, for a strong wind had risen, and they were fighting heavy waves. 25 About three o’clock in the morning[b] Jesus came toward them, walking on the water. 26 When the disciples saw him walking on the water, they were terrified. In their fear, they cried out, “It’s a ghost!”

27 But Jesus spoke to them at once. “Don’t be afraid,” he said.“Take courage. I am here![c]”

28 Then Peter called to him, “Lord, if it’s really you, tell me to come to you, walking on the water.”

29 “Yes, come,” Jesus said.

So Peter went over the side of the boat and walked on the water toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the strong[d] wind and the waves, he was terrified and began to sink. “Save me, Lord!” he shouted.

31 Jesus immediately reached out and grabbed him. “You have so little faith,” Jesus said. “Why did you doubt me?”

32 When they climbed back into the boat, the wind stopped.33 Then the disciples worshiped him. “You really are the Son of God!” they exclaimed.

When they first saw Jesus walking towards them they were afraid, no "Maybe it's Jesus, because HE could walk on water."  No, King James says they thought it was a spirit, the NLT which I have quoted here translates it a ghost.  That was the first thought, spoken out of FEAR!   Then Jesus speaks to them, they know His voice by now so he says "Don't be afraid. Take courage. I am here!"   Yes, no doubt now right...wrong....   Peter replies and says "Lord if it is really you tell me to come to you walking on water."  Jesus says "Yes, come!"  OK, witnessed a miracle, see Jesus walking on the water, heard His voice, so in response to HIS call Peter steps out of the boat onto the water and began to walk toward Jesus ON THE WATER!   No sinking, walking on the water as though it were dry ground, until.....  Until he took his eyes off of Jesus and focused on the water.  The water being driven by the wind, waves, constant movement, pulling and pushing in one direction or another....and he began to sink.  "Save me Lord!" he cried out and Jesus reached out and took hold of him but asked "Why did you doubt me?"  

Why do you doubt me?          Why do you doubt me?       Standing on the corner of Faith and Doubt that question haunts me.  The answer, same as above, but for me it came in a yoga pose.  Yes I have begun to take yoga classes and love them.  I had no idea how much I would enjoy the benefits that would come from them.  My favorite pose right now is the half chair to ankle pose,  it looks like this....

Now the first time I tried this pose I kept loosing my balance.  Couldn't keep my ankle up on my leg and hold it there for anything.  I kept falling over.  Then the yoga instructor gave this piece of advice.... "Focus on one spot in front of you and just stare there.  If you do that you can maintain your balance.  If you start to look around you will loose your balance and fall out of the pose."  Who knew God could use yoga to speak to me, because as I was holding my pose focusing on one spot God said "You have to focus on me and me alone to keep trekking down the Faith road.  You start looking around, taking in the circumstances, and you will end up right where you are on the corner of Faith and Doubt every time."    Ok, Lord!  I don't want to be one of little faith, I don't want to see you, hear your voice, respond to your call, and still look around instead of focusing on you and lose my balance, sink, or end up at a crossroads such as now.

He reminds me of a promise He made me in Proverbs chapter 3

5 Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding.

6 In all your ways know, recognize, and acknowledge Him, and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths.

So standing on that corner I go right because the gravel, the potholes, the narrow lane, and shoulder don't stand a chance against my Jesus who walks on water.  

Where it begins...

No resolutions this year, only changes. That is what I thought at the start of 2014. What changes though that was the question. Oh sure I could come up with plenty of things on the spur of the moment but I wanted it to have deeper meaning. So as I was perusing the YouVersion app for a new reading plan. I saw one that said One Word that will change your life. Now this plan was only 4 days long so I thought, that one I can complete! :) So I started the plan. 

Day one starts talking about having one word for the year. Something the Lord wants you to focus on and teach you. It very much tells you to pray about your one word and seek God asking Him what that word should be. Well as soon as I had started reading the word Freedom popped in my head. OOOOO, yes freedom!!! That sounds like a great word. Freedom from some health issues that have been bothering me, freedom financially pay off some bills, freedom from worry and anxiety that I know are a stronghold in my family passed down for generations and I don't want to pass down to my own children, freedom from the negative chatter in my head tearing down my own self image, freedom from.....I could go on and on. So yes freedom must be our word. I hadn't prayed about it but it made sense. In my head my word was chosen, but I was going to finish the other 3 days. So I approached day 2 already settled on freedom, as well as day 3. Now I wanted to do it right so I was praying over it but praying along the lines of freedom must be our word right Lord, confirm that for me please. On the 4th day after I had finished reading the devotional and completed my plan I was praying when I felt God speak to me telling me freedom was not our word. Wait, what? I was so sure! Nope freedom was the result I was hoping for but to experience true freedom I needed faith...faith is our word.

FAITH? Are you sure this is our word? That is when he showed me that freedom comes through faith. Salvation is ours, freedom from sin, it requires faith. That I know, I have faith that He will provide for our needs, that He will give us guidance and direction in our life, that He can heal, comfort, give peace, joy, and so on. I have faith! That is when He lead me to Matthew 17....

             14 At the foot of the mountain, a large crowd was waiting for them. A man came and knelt before Jesus and said, 15 “Lord, have mercy on my son. He has seizures and suffers terribly. He often falls into the fire or into the water. 16 So I brought him to your disciples, but they couldn’t heal him.” 17 Jesus said, “You faithless and corrupt people! How long must I be with you? How long must I put up with you? Bring the boy here to me.” 18 Then Jesus rebuked the demon in the boy, and it left him. From that moment the boy was well. 19 Afterward the disciples asked Jesus privately, “Why couldn’t we cast out that demon?” 20 “You don’t have enough faith,” Jesus told them. “I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it would move. Nothing would be impossible.”

What He showed me was that having faith in Him is one thing, having faith in Him to work His power through me is something else. The things I want freedom from are going to require me claiming the verse 2 Corinthians 12:9...

           "9 Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me."

So hence starts my journey of faith for 2014. A journey God and I are taking together as He shows me a deeper understanding of what it means to walk by faith. I have FAITH that this journey will bring me freedom from the things that I have listed. My understanding of that has changed though, the freedom I seek is the freedom from bearing these things on my own and having faith that God will bear them for me. Freedom from the idea that I have to change things and having faith that He alone will help me make changes. In that freedom there will be change even if by the end of 2014 my health has not improved, my finances are the same, I am still battling worry, anxiety, and negative chatter, it will be ok. My faith will be deeper, stronger, and my trust in God will be enough because in my weakness He shows His strength and power.